Inner Smile

Photo by Nancy Knowles at Parker House cafe in Peterborough NH

I’m crying. A lot. Unexpectedly. When I see my boys, or just sitting in a chair, not thinking about much.

Sinking into my fear?. Fear of what? A tear? A query into life itself. Where from? Where to? And holy moly, why!?

It’s a new tier. A new level of acceptance I’m looking for. Accept! That’s been my key word. All of you who think I’m strong, zen-like, positive and determined, whatever of that is true has come from acceptance. But when little mother-fuckers start creeping all over and through my body, there for me to feel, assess, poke and prod, man it’s a new day. A new way of thinking is needed.

Accept the bumps on head, tummy and leg and move on. Get a grip on this reality — I’m still here! I’m still writing and playing, loving and living. Music still flows through me. It’s time to play. It’s time to peak, and peek into my soul and your soul. Our soul. We are one, on a long slippery slope, skiing into eternity. Sledding if you prefer (yep, that’s mine). BTW, can’t stand my feet sliding around on ice or snow! You may not know that I’m from Texas, not NE!

I think I have written that I don’t like the word remission, or survival. I wanted cure. Maybe that ain’t going to happen, but a new PA named Jamie met with us last week and convinced me the it’s time to live with cancer. I truly think I have not delusional, but it is time to believe that I can live on with whatever trials are thrown at me, whatever visual, tactile or other manner of awareness of my illness manifests.

Mr. Kuwahara, the Japanese acupuncturist my dear friend Aaron Green has taken me to in Watertown a few times, leaves me with an Inner Smile. Is he healing me? Maybe he’s not even trying to heal the cancer, but he is healing my soul and leaves me joyous. I use his moxa most days and lie in shavasana while they burn in two or three spots. It always brings back the smile — it’s time to believe that is all there is. An inner smile that will carry me through and beyond. It is, after all, called the Corpse Pose. Ha! Not yet, thank you very much. (He said with an outward smile!)

Banner and portrait photography by Nancy Knowles.